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  • Bella Cirovic

Finding My Place in the World Again

I took only one photo of myself this summer. It's almost as if I don't want to document this particular moment of my life.

And while this is an accurate visual of what I look like right now, it captures not a single emotion that I'm feeling.


I am so many things: woman, wife, daughter, sister, friend, confidant, acquaintance ... My work in the world, when I am doing what I love, is to help people connect to their intentions and truly embody how they want to feel. Above and beyond all of these roles and work I do, the place I thrive and the role I relish is as a mother.


I am the mother of a beautiful young woman in the most exquisite time of her life. She is 18, finished with high school, madly in love, started at college studying the subject of her dreams, and is exhibiting her independence from her parents. I have zero complaints. I thank all the stars in the galaxies that we are all healthy and life is unfolding in its own magical way.


A few days ago I was at a coffee date with a friend confessing that I don't know how I feel right now in this transition from hands on mom to more of a witness and observer mom. It is an adjustment and I don't think we talk about it enough. Can there be room for heartbreak even in the most happiest of times. I think so.


I remember being that age and living through the exact moment she is in right now. It felt like anything and everything was possible. The world was mine and no one could tell me anything different. That was such a good feeling.


And then there is the preparation of the bird flying out of the nest. This has not happened for us yet, but we know it is the next threshold we will cross. To say I've had difficulty checking in on my heart is an understatement. I'm way too tender to go there right now.


I've had to find my place in the world again now that some of my roles have shifted. In addition to running my small business during the day, I have taken a part time job in the evenings at Target. I had no idea just how much I needed the physical work and the social interactions that this job has brought to my life. I'll write more about it in another post but ultimately, I've been there for over a year and I feel like I am a part of something again. I really love it.


My goal though is to learn to sit with how I'm feeling right now, in this situation. The truth is my heart feels more light and happiness than it does heartbreak. I'll be writing more on this subject of our kids making independant moves in the world because this is what happens to 40 & 50 somethings, right? Thank you for being in conversation with me. I'd love to hear how your experience has been.

(I'm still figuring how out to set up comments! Hopefully they will be on soon!) Edit: There are comments, down below!

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